Here's an earworm for you, but it's cute so you can't complain

You will also never get it out of your head, enjoy.

New Rose Hotel - A Review

Ahh cyberpunk, what a genre, never before have writers found a medium where they can be so accurate about certain areas and yet so utterly wrong about them at the same time. Now this is not to say that I don't like cyberpunk, I like cyberpunk as a genre; Snow Crash is one of my favourite books, and I have this strange tradition of reading Neuromancer any time I'm going to an airport (don't ask, even I don't entirely know why, it seems almost Pavlovian:- airport = Neuromancer (I don't even have to be flying, I just keep a copy with me, and read it whenever I get the time)).

But that only covers books, what about films? Well, I've got to say, I just haven't found that many out there, perhaps I've just been looking in the wrong places but to my mind the only ones I could think of, off the top of my head were:

Keanu still remembers Johnny
Mnemonic, to his everlasting regret

• Cypher
• Blade Runner
• and Johnny Mnemonic, but the less said about that cinematic abortion the better.

But aside from this, I can't actually remember any others that I've seen, I'm sure there are and if I was reminded of them I'd think: "how could I forget that it's so obvious".  But based upon this, you can imagine my surprise when I came across the following:

This almost seems too good to be true, a film of a genre I want to see more of, based on a short story that I enjoyed, by an author that I like and starring not just Christopher Walken; but Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe! What could possibly go wrong? Oh... it has Asia Argento in it as well... that's nice I guess, I'm sure that everything will continue to be fine though I mean how could it not?

So naturally with these thoughts in mind, I tracked down a copy of New Rose Hotel and eagerly sat down to watch it, and after an hour and a half, what can I say? Aside from possibly "can I have those 90 minutes back please?" Ok, that's a bit harsh, it isn't that bad, certainly not Johnny Mnemonic bad (sorry Mr Reeves but honestly, what were you thinking?), but it's just forgettable, don't get me wrong Walken gives a brilliant performance and is probably the only thing you'll want to see of this film. But Asia Argento can't act her way out of a paper bag, and as for her singing voice, I think I've found the background music for my own personal hell. As for poor Willem Dafoe, he really does get the short end of the stick, in most of his scenes he's stuck with Argento and any talent he displays just gets swamped by her inability to carry a scene; and in almost every other time he's with Walken who just dominates any scene he's in regardless of the situation.

Dafoe realise that he's stuck with Argento for another scene

As for the plot, well I'm not going to give you a synopsis here, my advice is to go and read the original William Gibson short story, go on I'll still be here while you do it... Done that? Good, we can continue. Adherence to the plot of the book is one area I can't fault this film on, it has it pretty much down to the letter, but this unfortunately is a bit of a problem because (being a short story) the plot runs out quite quickly, meaning that the director spends the last twenty minutes of the film showing us scenes from the start of the film but shot through a sort of filter, a "memory mist" if you will.

But in general, having been exposed to many bad movies in my time, I try and make a habit of taking away something positive from everything I watch, especially some kind of lesson that I can apply to future cinematic endeavours (for instance, Transformers 2 taught me that Michael Bay really needs some Ritalin), so here are the things New Rose Hotel taught me:

1. Asia Argento should never sing, it just sounds painful,
2. Any film with Willem Dafoe in it should carry a warning if it is going to feature him naked and thrusting
3. Run out of stuff to show in your film? Just show us the first half of the film all over again with a "memory mist" over the top of it
4. Not even Christopher Walken can rescue a bad movie

Well, that's it New Rose Hotel, watch it if you really want to, but in order to save you 85 minutes that could be put to better use, I present "The Best of Christopher Walken in New Rose Hotel" (because lets face it these are the only parts that you'll care about / ever mention).

And now a Swedish man commits Tequila Suicide

With thanks to Luke Whiting for showing me this.

Holy Shit Christopher Walken is Lady Gaga!

And now Christopher Walken, the maestro himself, performs a rendition of Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face' for Jonathan Ross.




Magnificent, simply magnificent.

"I'm Batman!" - Robin: The Boy Philosopher

Frak! I think Robin is on to us! shut down the operation now!

And now a small history lesson

The most awesomely honest advert ever made

Adverts, love them, hate them, they're a part of life. But it's so very rare these days to find an advert that has actual honesty in it, not a morass of marketing spin dreamed up by men and women drinking perfect mineral water from perfect bottles and wearing very small sunglasses. This advert, however, chooses a different path, the path of truth...



Seriously, wouldn't you buy something from this guy just to say that you had? I mean the guy mentions stains in an advert that isn't about cleaning products! Stains that look suspiciously like old blood as well!

Arrrr! a Happy Talk Like a Pirate day ye scurvy dogs!

Gather round lads and lasses! Gather round! Ye've been shanghaied for the latest post of the Ringworldian! In the far far blogosphere! Remember on a pirate blog, on pirate networks, on a pirate day ask no questions. Believe only what ye read. No! Believe half of what ye be readin', and an extra tot of rum for the first of ya landlubbers to tell me what I've been quoting!

Arrr! That pretty much be all I got for Talk Like a Pirate day, there be nay much more that... ARRRRR!!! Off the port beam a huge distracting thing!

"I'm Batman!" - The Bat Surfboard

I can't actually introduce this one... words can't even begin... just watch...







That must stand as one of the most bizarrely awesome things to occur on a TV series, and I say that having seen a lot of weird TV, I mean a lot. In fact I will go as far as saying, that is exactly what is needed for the next Batman movie; David Nolan if you ever read this, please, please include a Bat surfboard somewhere, I will pay you.

And now David Hasselhoff "wants to have his way" with my Oscillating fan!

I thought it was bad enough yesterday, what with Dolph's dealings with my unicorn, but now the Hoff wants a piece of my fan!

Dolph Lundgren wants to do "Bad Things" to my Unicorn

Apparently he wants to "man handle it", I think I'm going to need an adult.

Mass Effect: Lair of the Shadow Broker

So, Lair of the Shadow Broker has been released, I've played it, what do I think?

Overall it's pretty good, the level design and story follow Bioware's usual highly competent standard; there are, however, a few niggling little problems that I have, which (for better or worse) I'm going to focus on (naturally there are spoilers ahead, so be warned):

• Firstly, conversing with Liara, now I expected that this was going to be a core factor of the game, especially for certain players who romanced her in the first game, and then hooked up with another character in the second game. Now I had thought that there could have been some interesting tension that could develop during the missions if you brought along your new partner while on a mission with your ex; Bioware, however, seems to have disagreed with this idea, never really mentioning it apart from one small mention if you follow a very particular conversation path, in my case it was Liara telling me that "her sources have told her [I] have been trying to get into Tali's helmet", um Liara update your sources! I've been inside that helmet!
• Secondly, the fight with the Spectre working for the Shadow Broker. Now it wasn't a case of this fight being difficult, or easy, it was simply this: right at the start of the fight she tells me "You've never faced anything like me before", overconfidence in her abilities I can expect, but she knows who I am, I'm Shepard! I've beaten a Spectre before, I've beaten a Geth Colossus pretty much single handed, I killed a frakking Thresher Maw on foot! hell, I got spaced and it just slowed me down, you would think that she would know this already.
• Thirdly, Bioware has made a big point of having your actions in the Universe have consequences down the road. So why exactly does the Shadow Broker and Liara seem to be six months behind with their information? I know they had to have dialogue available for people who want to beat the Shadow Broker, before destroying the Collector Base, but would it have been too much trouble (given that they know that most people playing will have already done so) to have some dialogue for people who do this afterwards? Hell they do make a tiny reference what with the Broker saying that he'll be able to use the Normandy to pick over the remains of the Collector Base after he kills me, but that's it, apparently despite finding out that I did that, no one found out that I severed all connections with Cerberus and told the Illusive Man where to stick it, even Shepard seems to forget this, he also seems to forget that the Council reinstated his Spectre status!
• Fourthly, where exactly where the Renegade interrupts? didn't see a single one, saw plenty of Paragon interrupts, which seem to have been redefined as "Make strange overtures towards my creepy and Psychotic ex, while my shotgun armed current girlfriend stands nearby, ultimately forcing you to reload the game to ensure you haven't frakked things up" interrupts, but I suppose that doesn't role of the tongue as easily
• Finally, why exactly did they have to take out my other team member for the start of the final confrontation? I know it must happen no matter who you take in there with you, but it's a bit disconcerting to see Tali get mocked by the Shadow Broker (without Shepard coming to her defence), followed by her being crushed under a beam (meanwhile Shepard is pushing the Asari with the Biotic powers that could block such a beam from crushing her! out of the way, as opposed to the Quarian in the fragile environmental suit).

So, that's some thoughts on Lair of the Shadow Broker, some of you might be thinking that I didn't like it, given that I've focused on the negatives, but that's not true, I enjoyed it, I'd like to see more expansions like this, and it was good to be back in the Mass Effect 'verse again.

In defence of 4chan

I feel slightly ridiculous for the title of this post, 4chan doesn't need defending, hell it'll probably lash out violently at something else in the near future, and I hope I am never on the receiving end of what can be done.

But on to business; some people may have heard the story of William J Lashua, but for those who haven't, read the (probably most accurate portrayal) of the events here. All well and good right? After all this isn't the first time that anonymous has done something generally decent as these will prove [NSFW].

General Sherman: Father of modern trolling

Granted this is the first time that the reason for doing this was a human being, and the first time that the actions taken don't involve tactics that would make William Tecumseh Sherman proud. But apparently this isn't good enough for some people, case in point gawker.

In an article recently published, they asked the question "Is 4chan Turning into Internet Good guys?", now lets get a couple of things straight:

1. I regularly visit 4chan, I consider myself a /b/tard, and on occasion a /d/eviant (but the less said about that in public the better).
2. The person who wrote the gawker article is a self aggrandising douche nozzle.  

The author in question is a man who criticises anons for their actions against Jessi "You done goofd" Slaughter, claiming that they had gone to far; but when faced with decent reasonable behaviour starts to throw his toys out of his cot, claiming that anonymous has gone soft. Now I'm not going to look for reason in all of this, down that path lies pointlessness and fail. What I am going to comment on is this strange perception that anonymous has a sense of morality, and that there is some organising force behind it.

Lets get something clear, anonymous doesn't have a sense of morality, it is neither moral or immoral, in all likelihood, it's probably one of the purest illustrations of amoral behaviour available. If you had to describe anonymous' sense of right and wrong in simple terms, I would suggest Alpha from Dollhouse as a good starting point:

"There are many parts of me who know that this is wrong, none who care, and six they just find it funny!" - Alpha (A Love Supreme)

 We are talking about a group that is an event horizon for 'The Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory', and people are trying to ascribe Black and White morality to it. But this segues nicely into the second part of the second part of this discussion...

...See, told you it did. Carrying on from our last area of focus, it is inevitable that we should deal with the question of organisational structure; after all, many people (who don't know any better) have compared anyone associated with anonymous as being like the average German citizen in the build up to Nazi Germany, naturally there must be some charismatic individual(s) controlling everything from the shadows - there must be a leader!

Such a conclusion is naturally fallacious. We are dealing with an organisation where no one knows who anyone else is, every single exchange of information purportedly comes from the same identity. Oh granted there are individual names that appear amongst these - case in point moot, but he's far to busy making soup to be a charismatic leader. So in essence, this is a group organised like no other in the history of civilization, an organisation where there is no clear leader, no followers, a grouping that even transcends mob dynamics, to be even closer to a more pure sense of an emergent system, like a swarm or a flock.





When you see starlings, or even bird behaving like this, you're seeing how anonymous is organised, in a flock there are no leaders, and no hard coded behaviour about what to do in a given situation, instead we get simple rules like:

1. Fly close to your neighbours
2. But don't crash into them
3. Follow the general path of your neighbours

and these simple rules can generate the behaviour that was illustrated above, a clear demonstration of the power of emergent behaviour in complex systems. If we apply similar rules as these to the actions of anonymous, we can clearly see that the behaviour becomes much simpler to understand (although probably still beyond the average Fox News pundit), there is no leader, it's simply a series of very basic social rules being expressed by a large collective.

In conclusion, happy birthday Mr. Lashua, hope you enjoy the cards.